All right, Lemon, you got me.
Yes, this is the same flashy night tie I was wearing
when I left work yesterday.
My hair is a disaster. I am indeed on a walk of shame.
You slut!
That woman was Pizzarina Sbarro,
the heiress to the Sbarro slice and calzone fortune.
I should be heading upstairs to change.
I wouldn't want anyone seeing me... like this.
Come on! Walk of shame?
I say call it a stride of pride and walk with your arms up like this.
That is surprisingly nonjudgmental.
I'm 41 years old, Jack. I'm no stranger to the walk of shame.
Yes, I'm still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
I stayed up all night helping Bradley finish the Joseph coat.
Just hearing that story tells me that Bradley was gay.
Only sexually.
But I've come a long way since then.
In fact, since Criss and I have been trying,
Liz Lemon has had a little awakening in her bathing-suit area.
Lemon, I've seen your bathing suits. That could be anywhere.
I'm serious, Jack.
I feel like I'm ready for one of those "Sex and the City" girls' brunches
where you talk about dirty stuff and make a lot of puns like
"And I thought I was eating eggs."
So... is Zarina your new girlfriend?
Should I invite her to my sex-talk brunch?
Zarina is not my girlfriend.
She's one of a diverse group of women I'm currently seeing.
Group? Back to judgmental.
Lemon, after Avery, I've realized I'm never going to find
everything I'm looking for in one woman.
But it's not fair to the ladies.
Just because I'm the complete package...
You are a complete package?
I got the idea watching "The Great Escape" on TCM one night.
How that ragtag bunch of heroes
worked together to be greater than the sum of their parts.
Bronson was the brawn. Attenborough was the brains.
Garner was the scrounger.
McQueen was the hottie with a body.
- I'll say it. - Uh-huh.
And how many prisoners do you have in this little stalag?
Zarina is the society girl I take to black-tie events.
When I want to talk politics, I call Anne.
Tabitha knows how to work my DVR.
And Mindy is my sex idiot.
And what if they find out about each other?
They're all adults, Lemon. They'll understand.
And if they did come to blows, it would be, uh...
...intensely erotic.
Like Steve McQueen on a motorcycle.
Trying to jump that fence into Switzerland, but it's too high.
He had a leather jacket.
Hey, lady friends!
Who would like to join me for brunch? My treat.
We can throw back some cosmos, talk about our climaxes...
If you heard my sex stories, you would lose your mind!
Sorry, Liz. I'm not even sure they serve brunch after... the '90s.
Liz, check this out.
- Jenna Maroney looking great at -- - 56?
Blarf'!
Okay, we are at a Code Orange here, people.
A magazine has said that Jenna is 56.
- God, no! I have children! - We'll get through this together.
Pete, you go down to the newsstand.
Buy every copy and burn them.
Cerie, get out of here! Just go home for the day.
And, Kenneth, get Jenna's copy out of her dressing room
before she sees it.
Got it?
Oh, my God, Liz, I am furious!
You know what would make us all feel better?
A ladies' brunch.
These bitches are down for it.
How can you be so calm? I mean, why would Tracy do this to you?
Wait, what are we talking about?
"I agree, @TheReaIStephenHawking.
Women are not funny. Never have been. Never will be."
Nerd rage!
How am I supposed to explain this to Jenna,
who has been your comedy partner for almost seven years?
You want me to talk to her?
Honestly, I never realized she was trying to be funny.
I guess I just thought she was a wig model.
Unacceptable!
Come on, Lem Lizard.
- Name one truly funny woman. - No.
I refuse to answer this question with a list.
It's insulting.
You wouldn't ask an Asian person
to give you a list of good Asian drivers.
Gary Chang, Ziang Chu, Royd Chung.
- Stop it. - I was done anyway.
Look, if women are so funny, do something funny right now.
Welcome to the flower shop.
No! I don't have to prove anything to you!
Maybe men and women find different things funny.
Maybe things that men like are boring to women.
No, everyone likes our things.
Football, motorcycles, steak restaurants,
really dark superhero movies --
these are things that suck.
But women don't go around wasting our time
writing articles about them.
And I am not gonna waste my time engaging you on this topic.
[Door closes]
Well, that went well.
See, that's the kind of hilarious button chicks can't come up with.
What is it, Kenneth? I'm answering my fan mail.
Oh, nothing. Just doing my daily rounds.
Mm, my lips are so dry.
I better wet them with this mop.
Oh, no.
Now my undershirt is wet with mop juice.
Ooh, I see what's going on here.
You be the janitor,
and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor
that you just can't chisel off.
It sure is hot in here.
Maybe I should roll up my pants.
Oh, yeah.
Show me that pan of your shins
that's hairless from your synthetic socks.
Liz! Liz! Liz!
Oh, thank God.
Also, I called in a fake Page Six item about how young Jenna is.
I think our bases are covered.
Wow. Okay, great. We solved our Jenna problem.
- We did it. - Story over.
- Are you hungry? - No, I'm okay.
Do you want to go to a movie or --?
No. We can just do it.
Okay.-
- Oh, Zarina, hello. - Jack!
This is Mindy. And, Mindy, Zarina.
- Pleasure. - Hello.
Oh, shiny.
Look, I know this is awkward, but we never said we were exclusive,
and like a silverbacked gorilla or Mitt Romney's grandfather,
- I require more than one woman to -- - Oh, Jack, I understand.
I'm sure Mindy gives you certain things I can't.
Indeed.
The woman appears to have no hip joints.
Thank you for being so...
Zarina.
Another old guy wanted to buy my shin.
Old guys are so funny.
Who is this?
Oh, Jack, Ryan. Ryan, Jack.
- Ryan. - What's up?
Ryan is my sex idiot.
So, the other night, my boyfriend and I were making love,
and I suggested that we wear sleep masks.
I hit my nose pretty hard on the bedside table, but --
Liz Lemon, I just saw this hilarious dude on YouTube.
You got to put him on the show.
Wait, no. It...
Of course. A hilarious dude.
What was it, some idiot who let his friend skateboard over his penis?
Even better.
It's a monkey, and his name is Professor Wigglebottom.
A monkey?
So, no women are funny, but you want me to put a monkey on the show.
Oh, my God, are we still talking about that?
We debated this already, and I won.
Tracy, I'm not putting any monkeys on "TGS", because you know what?
I don't think monkeys are funny.
How dare you generalize so crassly. I'm offended.
Okay, name one funny monkey.
Bonzo, Clyde, the Bear... No!
I refuse to answer this question with a list.
It's insulting to monkeys and their descendants -- humans!
Iwin again.
No...
- You're okay with this, right, Jack? - Of course.
How could I not be?
I'm "Great Escaping" you, so you have every right to do the same.
My generation calls it Pokemoning. Got to catch them all.
I assume your sex idiot gives you something I cannot,
though I can't imagine what that might be.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
So, how many other Pokemons are there?
Jack...
the plural of "Pokémon" is "Pokémon."
- What?! - Mindy.
- No, Ryan Lochte!
- Look at me. Focus. - Mindy.
Ms. Maroney, did you see this newspaper headline?
"Teens Gone Wild: Is Jenna Maroney Partying Too Hard?"
Be careful. You don't want to turn out like Amanda Bynes.
Did I do it right?
That's a lie. I am much too old to party.
I watch "Castle",
and my purse is filled with Sweet'N Lows.
Liz, can I ask you a question?
Don't let her take me. It's not gonna be a question.
It's gonna be a series of mean statements.
If I find out that someone around here
planted this disgusting story that I'm young,
I'm gonna do to them what I did to my own ribs --
take them out.
Jeez! It was me, okay? I did it.
"Them" magazine said I was 56!
- Wait, you saw that? - Of course, I did.
I planted it.
What? Why?!
To escape the curse of the middle-aged actress.
Instead of losing a push-up contest to Julie Bowen
to see who gets to play Kevin James' mean wife
who he's sick of having sex with,
I'm gonna skip ahead to being an amazing slut who wins Oscars.
I mean, how hot is Helen Mirren?
Super hot. I mean, have you seen that picture of her in a bikini?
She looks amazing for --
Exactly. "For."
She looks amazing for a 67-year-old.
She's actually not that hot. She's got a gut and British legs.
All right, settle down.
Well, now we know. It won't happen again.
What if it's too late, Liz?
I'm in the running for an endorsement deal with GeriChair,
America's number-one motorized stair-climber.
I know GeriChair. They're the company that makes my BedSteps.
You better not have messed this up for me, Liz.
Because I will take them out.
I'm scared, but it tickles.
I am aware of this.
Zarina is "Great Escaping" me, and, of course, I'm fine with it.
Really? Because I've seen that look on your face before
when Jack Welch called you "Rick".
And I was fine with that, too.
I mean, he and I had met only, like, a million times!
So, why should he remember me?
Maybe I should meet these other men in Zarina's Pokemon.
No. Bad idea.
There are no bad ideas, Lemon.
Only great ideas that go horribly wrong.
Look, when no conceivable good can come of something, don't engage.
I would love to keep arguing with Tracy
about whether women are funnier than monkeys.
I once saw a monkey in a cowboy outfit.
I would love to see the town he's the sheriff of.
The point is, why do I care what Tracy thinks?
I don't, 'cause I know the truth.
Women are just as funny as men.
And you know the truth, too.
I do. I'm the complete package.
I don't need to know what one thing I give Zarina.
I mean, who cares?
- Not me. - Great!
So, we're not engaging. This is growth, Jack.
And we are gonna celebrate by going to a brunch place
and talking about my new sex-positive lifestyle.
Absolutely not.
We did it in the shower. My shoes got ruined.
I said no.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
I had to pick my friend up from the train station.
Say hello, Professor Wigglebottom!
That dude's awesome.
See how he's wearing clothes?
And he's got a suitcase like he's going on a business trip.
Why is he being so professional?
We should put him on the show.
He could play a young Steven Tyler.
[Laughing]
He looks like me if I were fancy.
See, Liz? Everyone's laughing.
Because there are things that are just funny.
Like monkeys, "The Three Stooges", and me.
And some things just aren't,
like females and listing only two things.
I'd like to see Lucille Ball do this on TV.
Male nipples, funny.
Monkey nipples, funny.
Female nipples, useless!
Engaging!
All right, that's it!
I will prove to you once and for all that women are just as funny as monkeys.
Jenna and I are remounting our award-winning 1996 two-women show.
Right here. 4 p.m. Mandatory.
[Applause]
[Monkey squeals]
"Thinking of you, sweetie. XO, Zarina."
"Sweetie"?
Why didn't she write "Thinking of you, Jackie Bear"?
She could have written this...
...to anyone.
Jonathan, get me a young person who has a social life.
It's a group e-mail, isn't it?
This woman is Pokémoning me.
She's blind-copied you.
But if you just click this plus sign...
Yep, there's the whole group.
“HipFourTwenty@Brooklyn.Beard“.
"RyanLachte," misspelled, "@SwimTeam.Org".
"KenTremendous@Fremulon.Biz". Ugh!
“Total Paokage58“...
Oh, wait, that's me.
I don't care if it takes all day.
I want you to teach me how to copy all of those e-mail addresses
and paste them into a new e-mail.
No, I understand.
Well, let me know when you've made a decision.
But... Okay, bye.
How's it going, friendy?
Well, that was Gerald Chair, the inventor of the GeriChair.
They're leaning towards Jamie Lee Curtis.
She already beat me out for Activia and Cold Flash menopause popsicles.
[Grunting]
Well, this might not be the best timing, but I need a favor.
Yeah, today's the day when I'm gonna do my first favor ever.
This isn't a favor for me. It's a favor for all women.
Oh...
- We are gonna prove Tracy wrong... - Bored.
- ...and show him how funny women are. - Are we, though?
By restaging our old show.
Our old show.
Huh!
Huh.
Are you thinking or doing Kegels?
Yes.
Let's do it.
But we have to do the doctor sketch.
- The one where I'm a little girl. - Sure. Absolutely.
And thank you for being a friend about this.
Yes. Friend.
I mean, yes! Friend.
Thank you for coming in, gentlemen.
I look forward to discovering
exactly what each of you has to offer Zarina that I do not.
I know she has a sex idiot for uninhibited experimentation.
Nah, I'm pretty sure we're in love.
A filthy hippie to make her feel Bohemian.
I get it. I can't give her that.
Someone to make her parents angry.
Aw, man, is that all I am to her?
It's 2012.
Sorry, Norbert
The truth hurts.
Interesting. A mean Wall Street type.
I would have thought I was the money guy.
So, what does that make me? Just the perfect head of hair?
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Heavenly Father.
You must be Ken Tremendous.
I don't understand. What am I doing here?
We've covered all the classic boyfriend archetypes.
Except the father figure.
Where is that guy? Am I right?
The one who falls asleep at the opera
and doesn't notice that she's texting her real boyfriend from his bed?
Ha! Where's that sucker?
Oh, no. Is it me?
[Music plays]
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you are about to see is a classic sketch
from the Chicago-area, Piven-nominated two-women show
"Maroney and Lemon".
I take you now to this...
...doctor's office.
Doctor, I'm unhappy with me little body.
Can you help me?
Well, of course.
Toddler plastic surgery is an exciting new field.
We can take you down an entire diaper size.
[Laughing]
♪ This sketch is hilarious, take it from me ♪
♪ Women are funny, we can all agree ♪
♪ Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball ♪
♪ No, we're not gonna do it, it's beneath us all ♪
♪ 'Cause we don't need to prove it to you ♪
♪ No, we don't need to prove it to you ♪
Thank you, Doctor.
Don't thank me. Thank Roe v. Wade.
Whoo!
♪ No, we don't need to prove it ♪
♪ Boy, I didn't see that coming ♪
♪ No, we don't need to prove it to you ♪
That was actually funny, Liz.
So, why does "TGS" suck so much?
Thanks, Frank.
Elizabeth Q. Lemonade, I owe you an apology.
That skit was funny. Like, monkey funny.
Thanks. That means a lot, Tracy.
When you were like, "Come in. I'm a doctor."
Yeah.
And you had on that lab coat like a doctor.
A lady doctor. Oh, my God!
That is hilarious!
Really? That's what you thought the joke was --
there's a female doctor?
Yeah. And, Jenna, you as that sad old prostitute trying to look young.
Commentary.
Old?!
Oh, thank you, Tracy. That's the only reason I did this.
And it was spectacular.
Gerald!
- You came! - You bet I did, baby.
There's nothing older than trying to be young.
And you looked like a million years up there.
Congratulations.
You are GeriChair's new spokescrone.
Lolo Jones, a man couldn't even do that doctor sketch.
We would have just been sitting there listening to his medical advice.
You were right, Liz Lemon.
Women can be funny.
You know what? I'll take it.
Stride of pride.
Jenna?
Oh, Jack, I'm sorry.
I didn't think anyone would be up here this late.
Sometimes I like to come up here at night
and flash my breasts at the Empire State Building.
Is that the only building that you flash,
or do you also flash the Time Warner Center
to make the Empire State Building feel like an old fool?
Are you all right, Jack?
You look like that flash card they told me means sadness.
I have to break it off with a woman I'm seeing.
I found out I'm just an aging Squirtle in her Pokémon.
[Sighing]
That's tough.
Accepting the way other people see us can be difficult.
I mean, inside I still feel like a sex idiot,
but I have to accept the fact that I'm fake 56 now,
and I'm more of a Diane Lane ageless beauty.
But don't fight it. Embrace it.
Look, do you really want this girl
asking you to go hear her friend deejay in Brooklyn?
No. That sounds exhausting.
Do you want to drive five hours to go rock climbing with her
and be expected to have sex after?
I do not. I mean, my back.
So, don't break up with her. Just be the older person.
It's fun.
You get to say racist stuff whenever you want,
and people bring you soup.
I do like soup.
Okay, so, maybe I never got my "Sex and the City" brunch,
and maybe I never got to share the fact
that I now know four different sexual positions,
one of which involves a chair,
but maybe a good relationship is more than that anyway.
All this talk of "Great Escaping" and Pokémons got me thinking.
Is accepting who you are the secret to getting what you want?
Action.
GeriChair makes it safe for me to spend Christmas alone.
LIZ: Do men and women really see the world so differently?
Or can we agree that we're all just monkeys with suitcases
trying to seem like people?
Well played, Professor!
Wait. You're a female?
How you doing, girl?
LIZ: Can we get everything we need from one person,
or is that what friends are for?
To be the allied POWs and whimsical Japanese mini-creatures
that help us get through life?
Now, this is how people danced before Chubby Checker ruined everything.
LIZ: I guess what I'm saying is
I need to modify my Zappos order,
so please e-mail me back at your earliest convenience.
Hm...
Oh!
Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball,
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin --
Yes. Thank you, Tracy.
Those are all very funny women.
Funny women? Those are the names of my fingers.
Erma Bombeck, Tig Notaro
is my impression of a Chinese person.
Wait! Hold on!
Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'Nique, and Roseanne Barr.
Now, that's some funny women,
all of whom have screamed at me because they were on their period.